It’s been two years since I wrote my last entry here. This is what was happening:
Pink Bull 2018 Olivia Kathryn Hinds Acrylic on Canvas 48”x36”
It’s hard to say where the story begins. Losing my job? My uncle passing away too soon? Reading a life changing book? My first yoga class? None of these and all of these are true. In a sense, it started the day I decided to be an artist. But what day was that? Three years ago I decided. At six years old, I had also decided. I decided when I went to college too. So, I can not tell you when it truly began. The truth is, I have committed to being an artist repeatedly throughout my life, and at every stage the commitment has always felt the same even though every time its face has changed.
I suppose you could say that that face is mine; the one I can never truly see. Two years ago, I did not recognize her at all. She was completely exhausted and her heart continuously sought comfort in bitter convictions. It is so easy for us to fall under the spell of our experiences. All of us have a lifetime of them and the truth is, it is hard to admit that we have absolutely no control over them. The list of things I felt I had to control was literally out of control. I was petrified of gaining weight from having a sedentary job so I cut out all carbs. I also had terrible digestive problems that “forced” me to eliminate all sorts of fruits and vegetables from my diet. My stomach would be in crippling pain every day if I didn’t follow these rules. My mind would be in crippling fear if I didn’t obey it’s fat-prevention rules. My body was getting sick from fatigue and abuse. I was in such a state of anxiety and malnutrition that my heart became arhythmic. Emotionally, I was constantly prepared for disappointment. Just remembering how I used to be creates a familiar tightness behind my eyes and around my heart.
The crazy thing is, I loved my life. I was making money and I got to be creative at work. If you’ve ever worked freelance, then you are aware of that awful sinking feeling that lingers inside no matter how good the work is. The job was open ended as long as there was work – of which there was plenty. Too much really, but still I was tormented by the idea that work might dry up any day and I would be fucked and it would be all on me because I was freelance – because that’s the deal. What I came to understand was that employment, or rather security of any kind, is an illusion.
That was the moment I lost faith in something I didn’t know I believed in. It might seem trivial to some of you, but I had believed that being employed by a business would provide me with the security I needed to be who I am: an Artist. I believed that I needed to be supported by a culture that does not value who I am in order for me to be who I am. Basically, I was killing myself to be myself. It took heaps of faith and a list of noteworthy life events just challenging enough to get me to the point of breakdown necessary for the spell to be broken. We all have that point: the one where either there has to be more to life or you’re outta here. Either you fix your shit or continue to suffer the same fate.
This way of being had made me somebody I am not. Yet the person I’d become was still definitely me. So who am I? This body I inhabit is named Olivia. Yet when I lose parts of this body; I am still me. In fact, you could say that the times when I have lost parts of this body, I have discovered more of myself. I am the things I do and don’t do. I am everything I like, and everything I dislike. I am my voice. I am also my silence. I am none of these things. I alone choose what I do with myself every day and why I do those things determines my reality. With this insight, I slowly began the radical process of consciously choosing myself.
Believe me, dear reader, the process of choosing one’s self is no selfish task. It requires honesty, commitment, and an alignment with truth that is so intrinsic to your own heart that it will make you question who you are. This is who you are. This is the path of goodness. This is grace.
My journey back to myself started the day I woke up to my illusions about security. Even though I didn’t know it then, the world of magic had opened up to me. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what you think. In fact, the journey back to our true self is one of the heart. One where we have to feel our way home. We’ve been trying to think our way home this whole time. How’s that working for us? You know that feeling you have right now? The one where you feel a little triggered because I used the word “magic”. Maybe you feel uneasy because all this shit I am saying sounds a lot like someone who has been saved. Maybe you feel a tightness around you heart because you’ve stopped believing in the thing that the word “magic” represents. So it feels painful but maybe that pain actually looks a lot like anger. Maybe judgement. Or perhaps it feels like superiority because you certainly know better.
Guess what, those negative feelings are creating a negative experience for you right now. That experience is the result of a belief system that you probably don’t realize you are choosing to operate by. It is important to know that you have the freedom to select the belief systems that are most beneficial for you, even if folks try to make it seem otherwise. This is a planet of free will.
So let’s just choose to be openminded for a moment. Trust me, if you don’t like how the world of magic feels, you can always go back to your regularly scheduled programming. Comfort comes in all sizes… just try the shoe on. You don’t have to buy it. Think about it this way: if our beliefs create the illusion of our experience, then who is the magician responsible for the illusion? We are the magicians. Magic is what we make of what manifests.
Unfortunately, most people’s relationship with the idea of magic is one of impossibility and foolishness. Traits we associate with that child version of ourselves that quietly disappeared while we were slogged along in a system that swaps out our creative will-power for fear. Fear of being wrong, failing, being held back from a group of our peers, feeling powerless.… So, it is understandable that what immediately comes up for us is a sickeningly thick layer of crappy feelings trying their damndest to protect us from these experiences. We have all experienced the pain of being wrong. What happens when we are wrong twice? Shame on us. The western world is ripe with this indoctrinated mindset. It is so evident that many consider themselves survivors of it, even those still enchanted.
Every step along my journey has started with the thought, “I can always come back to where I am now.” I still find solace in those words even though at this point, where I was when I made this my mantra is no longer a place I feel I can return. That’s the irony of learning; we can’t actually ever return. Ignorance is bliss because bliss knows nothing. Ignorance can not tell the difference between things and so it can not know that it suffers, and so it survives. We’re gonna suffer whether we know it or not, and we’re gonna learn things whether we like it or not, and the mind is gonna choose things whether we’re aware of it or not, so why not choose awareness and start creating a different reality for yourself? This is the essence of magic.
Let’s talk a little bit about what magic is. Ironically, it is everything you are already doing. Except when you walk in the world of magic, you do so with intention. So, if you want to increase your power to change your reality, you have to increase your own awareness. All of your thoughts, feelings, words and behaviors must be in alignment with who you are. If you’re an artist and you spend your time acting as a graphic designer… you’re going to have a much harder time being an artist. Same goes if you desire love but won’t give love freely.
As a “magician,” you are choosing to function as a conscious spiritual force in the material world. Therefore, your primary “wand” is your body. So, in order to open the door to the world of magic, you must first come into alignment with your body by establishing trust with yourself. This means that your words reflect your inner truth and your actions reflect your words. Without this primary alignment, it is impossible for us to build our power. If we don’t honor who we are, we close ourselves off from our primary source of energy – our spirit.
How do we honor who we are? We show up for ourself because we love ourself. How do we do that? We meet our own needs. How do we meet our needs? By accepting who we are and providing for ourselves accordingly. At the beginning it is going to be hard to build trust with yourself because that character who you’ve become, the one that really isn’t you, is going to put you through one serious mind fuck. So be ready to challenge yourself to source some deep states of trust with yourself as you begin to break away from all of your rituals and examine why you do the things you do. That “why” is the seed of your magic; it is how the elements of life mix to create your universe.
What it means to me to be artist and/or magician is to commit to my heart’s calling. To seek to know my heart so intimately that I create a universe of grace within myself. Why do I create? To know my self. How do I know myself? By what I create. How do I create? By what I do. This is what we call the act of ritual. We are all in ritual in every moment of every day whether we realize it or not. Even the stars, moon, and planets are in ritual. So while you’re living a life riddled with the side effects common to the rituals of late-stage materialism, know that there are other ways to live. One way being a life of magic.
It is from the perspective of magic, spirit or whatever you’d like to call the mystery that animates matter, that I will share my view on things. I feel it is important to bring a fresh perspective to a tired collective. These topics will be wildly various, highly important, mind-opening and likely to some, ridiculous. I once found some of these topics ridiculous myself. One of my favorite buddhist proverbs goes, “The foot feels the foot when the foot feels the earth.” We can only know ourselves through experiencing everything else. So keep this in mind and be open to the benefits of radically shifting your perspective and the magic that doing so will bring to your life. There is a whole other world right in front of you and it’s only a thought away.
Thanks for reading, friends. Writing is a new and vulnerable venture for me, so, if you appreciate my perspective, drop me a line! Ask me a question! Let’s discuss! I want to share and no topic is off limits. Let’s open up the cosmos together.
Peace to you, my friend.
- Olivia