Shameless

The course of 2020 has taken us all on a journey of self-discovery. My prayer has been that humanity is delivered to a place of greater alignment. I believe that my prayer has been heard as I have watched many of my brothers and sisters take on challenges with courage, openness and determination. Now, in January 2021, the glow-up is real.

Oh how my brothers and sisters have changed: A baby was formed, a body refined, a relationship bound, a home found, or a heart opened, a friendship made… and it was love that brought it all about.

There was a time in my life when I thought of love as payment. I thought love was something that had to be won or deserved. When people disappointed me, I took my love away. Taking love away is an extraordinarily painful thing to do and this pain made me classify people and experiences in ways that I felt would keep me from cutting cords.

I believed men were selfish and afraid of love. I believed that the way I looked, my sexuality, and my independence would give me the greatest chance at intimacy. I believed that success meant that I had to live solely off of my art and that awards and exhibitions meant I was good.

What manifested from those beliefs was a series of superficial relationships, a cocktail of eating disorders, compulsive fitness routines, and a materialistic relationship with my art. I felt completely unknown, misunderstood and exhausted.

Growing up, I was the city girl, transplanted into rural Kentucky. I was anti-religious, outspoken, and dressed differently. I looked much older than I was and men started treating me like a woman when I was barely thirteen. In school, the boys grabbed my body inappropriately and on a couple of occasions use aggressive force. Girls bullied me and even the administration found reasons to send me home because of my appearance.

I’ve been told my whole life that artists rarely “make it” and it is still commonplace for people to either shame me for not getting a real job or point out how I have sold out because I also work as a designer. According to them that isn’t art, apparently. Magazines, teachers, family, friends, movies, advertisements…. It feels like my culture wants me to feel ashamed for all the things I am and hold me accountable for the things I am not.

Since the moment of my conception, I have approached life backwards. I am a stargazer-breech-lovechild who refused to turn. Before I learned my mother’s tongue, I spoke my own. Once I learned her language, what I had to say was safer left unsaid, so, I turned to paint instead.

Sometimes the things we love in life are cultivated by what we fear most and our weaknesses often shape our style. For this reason, it is important that all of us take time to examine and come to terms with the shadows of our passions. Becoming aware of the shadow means facing fears and accepting the parts of ourselves that we reject, disown and deny.

For me, painting was a response to the fear of being misunderstood and shamed for what I had to say. Putting my perspective into paint allowed me to shroud myself in mystery and protect my heart.

For many of us, 2020 has been a golden opportunity for realization.

Collectively, we are bringing to light the aspects of our culture that negatively drive our development. The last eon of human history saw the Roman Catholic Church and its decedents sow seeds of shame and pass on this tradition to countless institutions.

Though we may no longer live under a totalitarian regime like North Korea or China, our culture uses the weapon of shame to control the population. From Bible School to Academia, the practice of shaming turns our personas into a prison. Becoming aware of our truth and the trauma of shame is key to our liberation.

The more outspoken I am, the more people try to shame and criticize me. It has come from friends, family, and strangers. Some have called my family members to gossip about my beliefs. People I never think of reach out to distant friends to confirm my list of isms. Just yesterday, someone wrote me to say “Do you have no shame?”. Today another friend reached out to my partner to ask if I am a racist and “make sure that he’s okay”.

This all came about because of posts I have shared on Instagram. In one post I wondered if the Pope had been arrested for child abuse, sharing a note from a well-known defamation lawyer, Linn Wood. The second post I shared was a comment on “white guilt” by a young, black, male author and Christian, Samuel Sey (@slowtowrite). How ironic that two liberal white men would feel entitled to shame me for amplifying topics of severely marginalized groups: conservative black men and victims of ritual child abuse.

Unlike people who feel entitled to characterize and shame me, I have given enormous amounts of time and thought to articulating my perspective. Through, essays, poems, artwork and open correspondence I have illustrated the complexity of what I see happening in our world today and have given effective solutions that we can all implement right now to help the situation. All of which is publicly available for free.

The trouble is that fear and ignorance are at the core of the compulsion to shame which makes openness to alternative perspectives nearly impossible for those still suffering from institutionalization. We are all survivors of the institution. In our culture, punishment and shame is disguised as education. So, it is understandable that some people lash out when they don’t understand.

I am well aware of the effects the institution has on the spirit. Healing these deep collective traumas is at the core of humanity’s evolution. That is why I have given my life to understanding, illustrating and presenting ways to help us heal.

For this healing to happen; wisdom, self-awareness and self-control are essential - and it begins with me. For me that means thoughtfully expressing my truth – no matter the cost.

So, yes, I have no shame.

There is no room for shame in a truly free society and I will lead us to that future by example.

On God

Today I find myself a person of faith. I believe in a benevolent creative force that exists as all of creation. Faith is not about using principles to justify force or weak passivity absolving us of responsibility, like the faithless love assume. Instead, it is about willingly and knowingly using certain principles to refine and perfect the self.

Both the faithful and faithless desire perfection. In the now, when it actually matters, the faithful accept what is as perfect while the faithless fixate on imperfection. This fundamental difference in how we relate to nature is the seed for the evolution of the ego, an artificial intelligence, from which a eugenic culture is born. Without faith, we become vulnerable to accepting and enforcing inferior laws that go against nature in the name of life.

Faith understands justice as a sacred rite of the Creator. This relieves the faithful of the impossible burden of undoing what has been done. A faithless soul cannot surrender this burden for they have nowhere to put it. Without faith we internalize guilt for things beyond our control and project responsibility onto others when the burden is too much. Hence for the faithless, everything that it is, was, and has been is a debt to which life is the fee.

In an imperfect world, there is imperfection. Faith is the will to see beyond into the perfection that is creation. Judging the blessing of existence as a curse extends the self beyond its authority and we lose our sense of humility in the presence of the creator. The idea that anything should be different than it is, is in direct opposition to the blessing of life.

Though certain ideologies suggest that we repent the things we cannot change, we do not have to carry our inheritance as a ball and chain: “Shame on you who is born with white skin.” “Disempowered and disabled are you with dark skin.” “Less valuable are our sisters and God forbid our brothers be boys.” “Death to those who don’t believe.” “A life of reparations to those who succeed.” “Pity to those who were born unfit.” “Worthy are the beautiful of wickedness.” “There is no justice until all is just” - but when will we stop seeing injustice?  

Do you see how that works? Slavery is an archetype of the human spirit. It is not exclusive to any identifiable group. In fact, it is hardly identifiable at all until we become aware of its principle. A negative fixation straps us with a burden that we refuse to give up. Without faith, we can spend our life compensating negatively for life’s blessings. We will never rectify past injustices by focusing incessantly on their negative effects. If we bemoan our blessings as curses, we will lose the will to use what we have been given as a tool to uplift ourselves and others - perpetuating the cycle we claim to be against.

Utopia is not something we will find in physical, material or intellectual likenesses. Nor will it come into being by forcing the same measured fortune upon everyone. Utopia is a spiritual unity found within ourselves, independent of our conditions. Living a life of faith is the doorway to Utopia.

Utopia is right now, if only we let it be. A better tomorrow can only happen with a better now. Faith makes the now better and it makes us better. Faith makes the now perfect. It is impossible to explain to the faithless the ecstasy of faith. For it isn’t until one lays their burden down that the lightness of being can be understood. Faith is the space where man can place the burdens he cannot carry.

Faith does not absolve us of the responsibility to act upright. Rather it helps us to maintain uprightness by lightening our load. Uprightness is our nature and fundamental to our sense of direction. It is our birthright as human beings to live upright and essential to our creativity and self-expression.

It serves absolutely nobody except for our egos to go around judging the value of other people’s blessings. When we use our creativity to dredge up judgement and misfortune, we project that judgement and misfortune into the world. A faithless individual might think they are virtuous because they acknowledge and resist imperfection, but in reality they are constructing the very matrix they wish to dismantle.

The faithless solution to a life of unfairness is enforcing equal outcome. This dismisses the value of opportunity, growth, creativity and change that comes from life’s challenges. Constructing a system where all beings receive the same outcome is completely against the glory of nature and creation. Not all plants need the same amount of sunlight, and some plants thrive in darkness. If we only value the light, we will kill those that thrive at night by forcing the sun upon them. How is this just?

Who are we to judge what is fortune and misfortune? Faith allows us to take a spiritual perspective and appreciate the great refining that happens in the fires of life. God bless that fire. We will never unburden anyone by giving them more to carry. Rather, we can lighten their load by seeing beyond circumstance to the core of life’s golden meaning. Faith in benevolent creation gives us the power to open our heart to atrocity and love the ugliness of creation. We are one with creation and all things are the manifestation of divine nature.

Now will always be the time for man to become aware of its soul. There will always be a tyrant, a victim, a slave… These archetypes direct us toward knowing true freedom, which is the same as knowing God. God is awareness and will - an innocence that knows only the ecstasy of being. A curious force in love with knowing what life can be like, from every perspective, for all eternity. God is the wound, the drug, and the balm.

It is the sap that

sticks to the gut

and rubs the strings to song.

The violin,

a sacred sin, on earth

as it is in heaven.

Projection, Placation and the Paradox of Belief

Sometimes I feel like a child trying to convince everyone that the Emperor has no clothes.

I am standing on the north side of a mountain,

In the shadows.

There are tiny bunkers the size of caskets carved into the rock.

In each one there is a little boy sitting or sleeping behind bars.

They do not seem bothered.

As I walk along,

I come to a hole in the ground

Where a little boy is sleeping.

He is maybe six years old.

He wakes up as I approach and

Climbs out of his hole to show me around.

He grabs a pack of smokes and is puffing away as

He takes me to a clearing.

 “This is our cellphone”, he says

And I understand that we are standing in a vortex.

I am alarmed at the sight of things and

Communicate to him that

This place is not a safe place for him to be.

He gets mad at me and pushes back saying that

 He loves it here and feels he has finally found his place.

Now I am shown an image of

A group of old white men in suits

Sitting around smoking cigars

 Laughing diabolically and discussing how 

The only legal way to rape someone

Is through the eyes.

   If you’ve never heard of the term “gaslighting”, now is the time to learn. Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain power, makes a victim question their reality. The word stems from the movie Gaslight (1944), in which a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind. This method of creating and maintaining power over an individual or group works by instilling self-doubt and dis-belief within the individual in relation to their experience.

   In the film, the lead character, a young opera singer, inherits the wealth of her famous aunt and goes to study in Italy. After some time, she falls into a whirlwind romance, marries and moves to London. Once settled in London, the singer begins to notice strange happenings in her home. Ghosts appear, photos go missing, strange footsteps are heard at night, the gaslights dim randomly... As she attempts to maintain her sanity, she tells her husband what she’s noticing. The husband, who has been creating these mysterious happenings as part of a plan to steal her inheritance, dismisses his wife’s concerns suggesting that she is losing her mind and takes false measures to placate her hysteria. She is isolated from the people she knows and falls deeper and deeper under his spell as she becomes convinced that she is sick.

Sound familiar? 

“We’ll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false.”

— William J. Casey, Director of Central Intelligence, Operation Mockingbird

   What do we believe to be true? Since WWII, our culture has evolved alongside great leaps in technology. From television to holograms, our experiences are intimately bound with flickering lights and talking heads that inform us of our world. It is a survival mechanism for animals to trust their tribe. Trusting the tribe gives certainty to our experience and enables us to navigate our environment with ease.

   In school we are taught that the Earth is round, the Sun is hot, the Moon is a rock… We’ve been taught the history of our country and the reasons for our actions. We learn about presidents, war, and sometimes economics. We learn how to memorize, take orders, and perform on command. We learn to fill our day with required tasks and structure our free-time around institutional demands. We are taught to trust certain sources of information over others and how to decipher fact from fiction.

   We’ve been taught the dangers of propaganda, tyranny, religious influence and division without questioning the institutions that deliver those teachings: the government, churches, schools, media… all of which tell us that we are the example of freedom, upholders of justice, leaders of peace and democracy, the beacon of truth. All the while posing divisive narratives that pit one against another.

   Those same institutions are the ones responsible for countless attempts at exterminating anyone with opposing wisdom. Somehow, we have been able to reflect upon a history of war, inquisition, slavery and cultural decimation whilst standing on its shoulders chanting our glory. Our redemption from evil. We celebrate Columbus Day and six months later, Thanksgiving. Giving thanks to the innocent originals who forgave their butcher and together, they feasted. After war, there is peace. After slavery, freedom.

Can you remember the last time your day did not include some story of violence?

 How is this normal?

   Home in the evening and on weekends, after school and work, we watch stories about freedom, liberation and empowerment. These achievements are the result of deeply traumatic events like rape, abuse, torture, murder, slavery and so on. Even the “progressive” stories are based on narratives about victims on a path of vengeance.

  We may no longer burn people alive in the town square or cut their heads off as a kind of weekend entertainment. The blood might not be real and the fire might not smell, but we are still watching rituals of sacrifice take place as we sit down to supper. We give our thoughts to and break bread before a glowing box of light. It creates for us our world and reminds us of our trespasses. It teaches us to fear and from it we ingest the story of our people.

  It seems we have become a culture of disbelief. One that believes it no longer behaves the same way as its ancestors.  A culture that has learned from its mistakes, our institutions the example of that truth. But if we can’t hardly remember a day without stories of war, violence, and abuse, are we truly liberated?

   I grew up with the belief that being taught religion in school was a bad thing. It was fundamentally wrong to teach religion to children. From my little perspective, I understood religious education to mean that I would be indoctrinated into religious ideologies against my will. I was afraid of being brainwashed, so, I was grateful to not be educated.

  Paradoxically, I attended college at Xavier University, a Jesuit institution, where in order to graduate, I was required to take courses in theology and philosophy. At first, I was very resistant because I did not understand the benefit. However, I quickly learned the incredible value of critical spiritual thinking. It gave me tools for understanding others and expanded my awareness. I learned about Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism… I also got to examine and discuss brilliant concepts like Plato’s “Allegory of The Cave” and learn about the historical documentation of the life and death of Jesus. Those courses became the best part of my education.

   For artists, our institution is exceptionally brutal. For spiritual thinkers, it is even worse. Archeology, biology, physics, geology, medicine…  the thinkers in fields who dare to consider or explore a spiritual connection in their work are banned, mocked, and debunked into oblivion. At best, they are pushed into the realms of “conspiracy theory” or “the healing arts”. At worst, they are killed. The list of victims is staggeringly long and filled with brilliant thinkers whose ideas, research, and findings have been suppressed, hidden or “falsified” by the very institutions that birthed them. Thus, the exploration of spiritual intelligence has become an established taboo.

   Open and intellectual spiritual discussion and exploration feels taboo is because we are grossly inexperienced at the practice. Philosophical dialogue is a fundamental type of critical thinking that strengthens the individual’s ability to operate with wisdom. Taboos are a product of ignorance as a result of fear-based tribal learning.

   We often use “science” to support our rejection of spiritual intelligence. When exactly did science stop confirming spiritual intelligence? In fact, science only continues to prove the very same principles passed down to us through ancient wisdom. Some of these sources are more well-known: Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism… this wisdom, however, can be found all over the world in countless spiritual traditions from African spirituality, to Zen in the east or even less acknowledged religions like Satanism or the practice of High Magic.

   We have been taught by our culture that when we discuss religious, spiritual, and philosophical concepts, we might end up converting, losing credit, or causing separation in our tribe which usually results in violence, war, and destruction.

   Paradoxically, we have also been taught that not knowing something is just as dangerous. If we don’t know the answer, we are a failure and are forced out of our group as a punishment for our ignorance. We have unwittingly become trapped in a cycle of ignorance, abuse and placation that leaves us damning the ignorance in others whilst hiding behind our own.

   What we have now is a culture that is crumbling in ignorance and dis-belief. The divisive nature of our taboos has created a people unwilling to engage in open spiritual discussion. Spiritual discussion is a fundamental conversation that human beings need to have for a healthy life. Even scientific theories promoting dis-belief serve to fulfill this function. The theories (stories and myths) about who we are and where we come from have evolved our species for eons. A culture that has not developed the ability to openly examine and discuss the stories of its origin will asphyxiate itself.

   An origin story tells us who we are. For some we are children of God here on a mission to save the world. For others, life is a meaningless coincidence. Still, others believe that we come from the stars and that our ancestors are extra-terrestrials. How we view the reason for our existence will say a lot about how we live our lives and relate to others.

   In our culture, it is common practice to dismiss the origin stories of other cultures as myth and imagination, especially the stories of darker colored people. Let’s examine what it actually means for someone to reject these origin stories: Rejecting their stories implies that the wisdom that has supported the health and balance of their communities for generations, is bogus. It suggests that the countless human beings who have evolved and survived for thousands of years, sometimes through horrific events, are stupid and gullible. It means one must believe that the greatest inventors of the last two hundred years were in no way influenced by their philosophical and spiritual studies whilst they invented their “modern” theories. The Upanishads, Mahabharata, Bible, I Ching… all of these books contain the wisdom of modern scientific theories. Rejecting the spiritual intelligence contained in these ancient stories suggests all of these people, the countless humans that have helped to create and influence our world, all had a stupid streak when it came to the divine.

How can we possibly believe such a paradox? 

   What is going on that would cause such insanity? Enter gaslighting. Overtime, our culturally accepted patterns of institutionalized abuse and placation have created an environment of gaslighting so deafening that it has left us cognitively dissonant. Our conflicting beliefs and subsequent actions have made anxiety, depression, bi-polar disease, alcoholism, drug addiction, ADD, Autism, borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphia… the cultural norm.

These are the natural psychological effects of gaslighting, abuse and placation.

   Adjusting to harmful environmental stimuli doesn’t take as long as you might think. It wasn’t even 200 years ago that an industrialized labor workforce emerged as the primary cog in the wheel of human time-management, a huge change from agrarian-timelines. The first television has not yet celebrated its 100th birthday, which will be in 2027. How can we actually bear witness to these disastrous effects and in the same breath declare this the golden age of progress? THIS is the ultimate example of gaslighting and cognitive dissonance.

I don’t blame you if you haven’t noticed.

That’s how quickly we can adjust.

   There are many things that we are taught that we do not question at all. Like, what year it is. How gravity works. The nature of the moon. Or how species survive. I highly encourage any reader to spend just five minutes researching any of these statements and then ask yourself if you still believe – without a shred of doubt – that what we were taught to believe is true. Seriously, it actually takes very little effort to discover new and beneficial information about the things we take for granted.

   The hard part is getting folks to open their minds in the first place. Open minds are historically punished. They are harder to suppress and are less likely to placate or to be placated. Those who are threatened by this openness resort to shadow abuse tactics like trolling, censoring, debasing and shunning to try and force placation ensuring the status quo.

Does this sound familiar?

   It is the entity who exists in patterns of dishonesty, placation, and control that will aggressively project this very behavior onto others ensuring that opposition is extinguished. A culture based on extinguishing opposition inherently creates a modus operandi of self-preservation. Thus, the narcissist is born. In such a case, it is only natural that an institutionalized and punished group of individuals begets a culture of narcissists.

   If we are ever going to outgrow this pattern, we have to confront and integrate the narcissist in ourselves. This does not mean rejecting and punishing ourselves. It means that we acknowledge our narcissistic behavior and use its wisdom as a tool for growth. When narcissistic behavior manifests in us, it is there to reveal to us the ways we do not feel safe or supported.

   We can release from narcissistic patterns by developing support and trust with ourselves. Trusting that the ultimate and best route to safety and sovereignty lies in our willingness to be our true selves. Trusting ourselves to provide the love and support that is necessary for sharing our truth with others. In doing so, we can learn the importance of honesty and authenticity and how to honor it in ourselves and others. The freedom to share our truth is an inalienable and divine right.

  Now more than ever, it is necessary that we begin to open ourselves up to the stories, philosophies and truths of others. We will never escape this vicious cycle if we continue to allow divisive cultural norms to manipulate and our thoughts and actions. We can end this cycle of violence and placation by unburdening ourselves of narcissistic tribal limitations and opening up a world of truth.

   Studies in ancient wisdom and the occult has opened my eyes to a world that is happening right in front of me, and inside of me, of which I was previously unaware. Imagine living in a culture that is colorblind and being aware of color. How does one describe to a colorblind tribe the existence of color? Where is the language for it? Do you point to a grape and say “purple”? Who would listen to you if you did?

Even today, cultures exist that do not distinguish between blue and green.

   Awareness is as fundamental and tangible as seeing or not seeing color. Just because color isn’t real for one person, does not mean that it doesn’t exist for others and that those who are aware of color are not using it to their advantage.

   This is the case with “magic”. The average college grad might not believe in magic. He might mock and debase the magician, not understanding what is going on. The magician works magic regardless. An adept magician will be able to work magic on believers and non-believers alike. In fact, the non-believers are often more susceptible because their beliefs ensure they remain unawares - a fundamental rule of magical craftsmanship.

  Miracles happen when awareness, intention and action are aligned. Magical rituals are done as a way to focus and magnify the power of that alignment. The repetition of a ritual, or pattern, will magnify the power of its effects. Without an awareness of our intentions and/or our actions, we operate out of alignment and thus work a crooked and vulgar magic that creates suffering and disease.

   It takes a special kind of denial to ignore the blatant historic role that magic has played in the development of our civilization. We are a culture born from the Roman Catholic Church: A cult of individuals who, over thousands of years, have used cannibalistic rituals of blood and sacrifice of the most innocent among us to empower and control life. Water, fire, sacrifice and prayer are the holy elements of any magical ritual.

   This is an extremely literal statement that has massive implications. The water we drink, the air we breathe, the energy we consume, the chanting of our media, the jobs we do… their use and delivery are spiritualized weapons upon the unaware. Whether we want to believe it or not, we are all taking part in these rituals and our engagement in them spiritualizes our world with a powerful magic signature.

We have got to wake up and break the spell!

   Why do we wake up in the morning? To what do we sacrifice ourselves? What is the product of our creativity? What vision do we hold for the future? What prayers do we chant?

Every word is a prayer.

   Take five minutes to research the mysterious properties of water, hypnotism, etymology, cymatics, quantum entanglement, atomic and genetic manipulation by consciousness… its plain as day in science.

Becoming adept in the magical world is in actuality,

a return to true scientific exploration.

   Maybe knowing this will help us to safely release from our attachment to (dis)belief and wake us up to the mystical operations happening right before our eyes. It is an imperative that we begin to inform ourselves of its implications. If we do not, we are willingly choosing the life of sheep, cattle… livestock.

   What do we think Wallstreet is? A human stock-market trading and selling our God-given energy. It is of extreme benefit to the those with power to keep the common man unaware, unenlightened, and subject to the illusion. All it takes is a few trained dogs with alphabet names and some gently curved walls, and we run willingly into the arms of the butcher for safety.

   How arrogant of us to believe we are above the cow. If we act like them, surely, we are related. Maybe if we believe we are cows, and act accordingly, we might at least resolve our problems of waste management and over consumption. But we can’t even seem to achieve that level of perfection. In fact, we are the only species on the planet that can’t seem to keep itself. It seems like a matter of logic that anyone with a certain level of awareness might begin to see the implications of such a sick and destructive species.

   My friends, the apocalypse is a very real thing. There are plagues across the world, forests are burning, the air is toxic, food is rotting in piles untouched and fresh milk is being dumped by the hundreds of thousands of gallons while children starve. War has become endless; people are leaving their lands in mass exodus… the poverty of man has reached staggering heights. Must the seas be parted again for us to realize the biblical nature of what is happening?

   Most of man-kind lives in a culture of rape and sacrifice. Whether it is the rape of a mountain top or the rape of a child, mankind knows no bounds in its taking. It is addiction that leads mankind to bargains of heavier and heavier values. Every one of us has our own poison and a price we are willing to pay for it. What happens when we hit rock-bottom? The point at which we can no longer bargain.

All points in life are essential to describing the totality, the story, of all things. Therefore, ideas like “rock bottom” are simply projections of our multidimensional experience into simplified, two dimensional terms. Before we can evolve into to 4 or 5D awareness, we first have to master 3D. Something we are clearly struggling with. Mastering 3D means to master time. There is no such thing as a third dimension except as a segment or moment in time. The third dimension is actually completely intangible except as an idea of the current now and an expectation of the next. How the now appears versus how it “should” appear in the future describes its duration.

   Our efforts (rituals) to change the now are our bargaining chips with the future and create within us an addiction to the unattainable. It is this bargain that marks our bondage to time as a promise of returning us to perfection. The addictions of our species are impressed upon all of us. To what lengths have we gone with our bargaining? What are we sacrificing in pursuit of perfection? Water. Earth. Air. Animal. Woman. Child. Man. Energy. Time.

   While we sit in our homes cursing time, we are being blessed with its abundance so that we may reexamine our contract. Maybe during this reexamining, we will uncover new ideologies and develop philosophies that ease the burden of our debts. An abundance of time is a comeuppance. The man who knows his value learns to strike a better bargain.

The question remains, are we magicians or are we cows?

American Spring (Quarantine Dreaming)

   I am living a quarantine dream. The news that makes its way to me is filled with terrifying statistics that tell of a world on fire. The plague is here. The locusts are swarming. The kingdom trembles. How is it that I am filled with joy? I know I am one of the lucky ones. I will never forget that. In fact, previous events involving ridiculous subscriptions from Amazon have resulted in a surplus of toilet paper, paper towels, disinfecting wipes, and baby wipes. The food I enjoy is still readily available. I am self-employed and my customer base is growing as more people rush to establish a web presence and need help with development and design. I am an artist too. Because of that, extra free time is my friend and now more than ever, sharing what I create gives meaning and sustenance to the people in my community.

   In December I got sick. It started with a dry cough and by the first week of January I had fevers unlike anything I have ever experienced. The cough was consistent and endless and left me gasping for air. Between the fevers and cough, it was nearly impossible to sleep. It was very difficult to eat and anytime I attempted to fill my stomach, I vomited. The fevers and lack of nourishment made my calves cramp and at night my restless legs wanted to run away from my body.

   It was not the sickest I’ve been. The sickest I have ever been was five years ago when I got the flu, during which I got to a point when I thought I might die. The doctor’s advice was to stay in bed for two weeks and come back if things did not improve. So, when I got sick in January, that is what I did. Why would I want to go into public and spend hundreds of dollars in medical bills just to be told to stay in bed?

   In January, I did not think or feel that I might die. I felt unwell and I took that as a sign that my body was under stress and needed time to heal. Bodies don’t get sick unless they are in a state that allows for sickness. Viruses, bacteria, disease… these are visitors, messengers to the houses that invite them in. The sickness that visited me was my messenger. I was working too much, eating poorly, and had stopped providing necessary alone time for myself. So, my body, my house, welcomed a visitor that would provide for it when I had not.

   Under blankets, in silence, with oranges and water, I rested. I relished the forgiveness and understanding that comes from loved ones and clients when sick. The absolute freedom from meeting the needs of others was blissful. I could barely walk myself to the bathroom so my partner took care of me in every way possible and it was heaven to surrender to his love and care. When sickness came, I was nourished.

   My partner, Warren, never got sick. The people I know that had degrees of contact with me and Warren also did not get sick. My mother is the only other person I am close to who got sick, and she was sick before me. None of us knew what we were sick with. In truth, we still don’t.

   There is a danger in knowing what something is. When we know, then it is so, and we can suffer that knowledge. Cognitively, however, knowing what is to come, helps us process and deal with painful experiences. The mind’s relationship with pain is a great paradox in which the anticipation of pain reduces the moment of suffering. However, the fixation on a painful outcome inspires suffering before its time.

   Everyone’s life, from day one, involves a certain amount and kind of suffering. Over time, our relationship with suffering develops into mental and behavioral patterns that help us to deal with pain.

   No matter the environment we find ourselves in, it is important to act responsibly. In times of great distress, often what is lost is our illusions. Whether it is a lie we have told ourselves to keep us feeling safe or a lie we have inherited from our tribe, stress reveals our follies. When we spend our energy trying to control the things we cannot, often, the things we can control go untended. By fixating on our illusions, we neglect our true responsibilities.

   When we think that we can meet our needs by meeting the needs of others, we enter into an agreement that places the satisfaction of our own needs in someone else’s hands. We think we are ensuring our safety by making ourselves useful to others. But when the value of our contribution is determined by the other, we lose connection with our own self-worth. The best choice for us becomes one that will make others happy. So, when our needs conflict with the desires of others, we will often neglect our own. We can neglect ourselves to such a point that we get sick and are forced to repair our deficits.

   Sickness comes to the house in which it can reside. Sickness comes as a messenger to correct the patterns of neglect. Today’s great headline is that this whole planet is sick from neglect. We need rest, our children need rest, our earth needs rest. It is very hard for us to make healthy choices, change unhealthy patterns, and create balance inside ourselves when we neglect our needs.

   If we choose to remain in the illusion that our safety and security comes from the collective, then it will be the collective that makes the individual. In which case, the individual will be neglected and sicknesses will emerge. Eventually, the collective becomes diseased.

   Our fuel-based culture has run us ragged and now we are being forced to recharge. It is my hope that as we recharge, we will realize our own power. When the individual chooses to love and support itself, to meet its own needs, then that individual can give freely of itself because it needs nothing in return. When the individual is free to give of itself, the collective is freed in turn.

   It is very important during this time to become aware of our inherent value. An entire planet of individuals has collectively chosen to stop, disengage, and heal and that has revealed to us our epic power. Hold fast to this truth as we navigate these dark times and examine just how much power our choices and actions have on the collective.

   The thorn in our foot is the capitalistic structure under which the collective operates. This structure takes away the intrinsic value of the individual and commodifies our creative output. So, when little Johnny is told that musicians never make any money, and that lawyers are very wealthy and successful, the value of the individual is defined by their income instead of their contribution.

   What exactly do we think the dollar gets us? When we don’t make as much money as our neighbor, or if we are swimming in debt, what does that say about ourselves? How are we defining our value as individuals and on what basis is that value assessed? We are not subject to the dollar. The dollar is subject to us. We create and destroy the dollar but what the dollar represents cannot be created or destroyed.

   Under our current paradigm, it is the responsibility of the individual to transcend the dollar. Three years ago, I had the privilege of facing and transcending my own relationship with the dollar, with my self-worth. I had lost my job as a graphic designer. I had only a few small clients left and my success as an artist had not established itself the way I had envisioned. At that time, I valued myself based on how much and whether or not I was paid for my creativity. Every time I had a good idea or created something special, the next step was to try and conceptualize or strategize a way to sell it. In essence, the actions I took after creative inspiration became trapped in a system of monetization.

   Eventually, my endless attempts at “succeeding” led me to extreme disappointment in myself which made me question my very essence as a human being. I had taken on debt to educate myself and learn a trade. I had dedicated myself to working hard and doing a good job. Still, I had debt collectors calling me, my credit cards were maxed out, and I was relying on my family to help support my needs for shelter and food. I felt like a failure. I was so ashamed that I could not survive on my own as the person I am – an artist. I wanted so badly to prove that it is possible to thrive as an artist but my reality told me I was wrong and it made me sick to swallow that truth.

   The truth is, I was wrong. In a system that operates on the dollar, the value of the individual is lost. However, when the dollar is taken from the individual, there is the opportunity to realize our intrinsic value. In my moment of despair, I envisioned a life in which I was unable to earn any kind of income. A life where I was unable to support myself and the people I love. Under those circumstances, who would I be? What would I do? How could I still be of benefit to others?

   The answer that came to me is – I’d be me. I’d be an artist. I’d do my best to refine my habits of consumption, minimize my waste, and train my thoughts, words, and actions to create positive outcomes for all. If I could not make the money for a good life – I could still make a good life.

      My creativity, my awareness, my thoughts, my actions, this is my contribution to the collective. My value rests and grows within the cultivation of myself. Even if there is no money for what I do, I can still do. The peach tree cannot be paid to bear fruit. It creates delicious fruit because it is a peach tree. The community it belongs to benefits from what it naturally bears. When it no longer makes fruit, the community still benefits from its shade and its beauty and eventually, its fertilizer.

    My friends, there is so much power in being alive. Now more than ever, we as individuals are being called to find our value within a system that devalues its parts. In a small number of days, our collective intention to stop and heal has shown the entire world the power of the individual. To choose health, life, and our neighbor’s wellbeing over the endless machine that poisons our water and air, burns our trees, takes our homes, kills our neighbors… all in the name of “progress”… this is our power. It is not the system that gives us life but we who give life to the system. Progress will not happen in a state where the individual is devalued. A golden age will never be gilt with war and disease.

   It seems likely that in the coming days there will be many important changes and choices required of each individual. There will be many ideas about the agendas behind these events and our response to them will be a defining moment for all of us. I am not sure if it is possible to believe any source besides our own hearts. I call all of us to be vigilant with ourselves and our actions. We must ask ourselves deeply what actions we will take to uplift every individual, no matter their circumstance or position. Anything less is old paradigm.

   I admit that a part of me salivates at the thought of seeing the system crumble. I am thirsty for redemption. A culture of integrity that operates on certainty, faith, and love is what I live for. It is possible. There are many of us who have awakened to this reality and of those there are many who see what is happening now as the catalyst for that change.

   My eagerness wakes me up in the morning wondering if the world has changed. Is today the day that things will be different? Is today the day when people will finally see what I see? But what does it actually mean for a system to crumble? The seeds of the new lie within the fruit of the old and it is the process of decay that prepares the seed for growth. If we demonize the rotting fruit that feeds the seed of change, we will suffer the cycle. Decay is a requirement of the fruiting body and a process that can’t be rushed. The rotten parts of our collective need time to decay.

   However, the changes that happen within us are what will inspire the changes in the collective, and those can and do happen in an instant. As we individually begin to embrace, nourish and express our true selves, we will assist in the healthy transitioning of the rest of our community. It is the spark within that illuminates and defines the world we wake up to and in that way, we can all create change overnight.

    Chaos and order are two faces on the coin of life. A paradigm is an operation of order. A paradigm establishes a structure upon which growth and expansion can take place. Eventually, the growth generated by the paradigm will become greater than the powers of its operation and chaos will again manifest. As chaos begins to overtake the operation that created it, its magnitude, its inflation, initiates the process of decay.

   The breaking point of a structure or operation is a natural point in life’s cycle. As the system collapses under its own weight, a new order of things is established. One that is lighter, finer, and more evolved than the previous form. A paradigm that has learned from the fruit of its origin and emerged as its legacy, carrying life forward in harmony with its new environment.

   In the midst of chaos, every element of the whole will shift to allow for expansion and reorganization. Some parts will decay. The parts remaining, will be enlightened by the disintegration. These are the seeds of a new paradigm. Each seed has the potential to be the piece that determines the shape of the new. The survivors are the seeds. You, and you, and you, and you and you, and I are all seeds. We are the codes that will program the new paradigm.

   I see this happening all around me. The news might be focusing on the destruction and awfulness of now, but what I see is something altogether different. I see men, women and children sacrificing their livelihood, luxuries, and in some cases their lives to protect those very things for their neighbors - near and far, known and unknown. The entire globe is thinking and acting globally, in unison, to protect and uplift life.

   The institutions that interfere with this evolution will ultimately decay. I see that happening too. Schools have cancelled standardized testing, systems designed to gouge people and keep them in debt are losing control, politics has become a joke, and our outlets for reliable information are a hall of smoke and mirrors.

   And still we carry on. It is the nature of life to keep on living and to make the most of what is. The doctor does not stop healing when the insurance company goes belly up. The lawyer does not stop practicing when the kangaroos are at court. The farmer does not stop harvesting when the grocery closes shop. The artist does not stop creating when the money dries up.

   Our currency is not in paper, gold, or silver. Our currency is in energy, time, and intention. It is an equal and integral wealth that is evenly dispersed amongst all living things. As long as we are alive, we are wealthy. In a community of individuals, each one of us is an essential and beneficial contributor to the whole: The strong man carries the weak. The cripple humbles the strong. The musician uplifts. The storyteller informs. The teacher educates. The builder shelters. The cook feeds. The child renews. The elder reflects. Life does not stop because money stops. Rather, it remains as it is: essential, creative… beneficial.

   This is the law of life. The crumbling eroded structures of dead paradigms lay all around us, the remains of eons of human life. We are still uncovering these structures. They go deep into the earth and hide under icecaps and on ocean floors.

   At some point in the future, so too will our remains be hidden. What will remain? What will our great, great, great… grandchildren think of us and who will they be because of us? In a digital society where fine crafts like handwriting and stone carving are becoming a thing of the past, will we be seen as illiterate and artistically impoverished? Will it be true?

   At this moment and in the coming days, the way we spend our time and energy, the way we focus our awareness and intention, the way we invest our wealth, will be a defining factor in our growth and development. Now is the time to redefine what we value and tap into the currency of life. Even in a broken system it is possible to live on this coin for it is what makes gold, gold. 

I am reminded of hexagram 48 from the I Ching: 

THE WELL

 The town may be changed

But the well cannot be changed.

It neither decreases nor increases.

They come and go and draw from the well.

If one gets down almost to the water

And the rope does not go all the way,

Or the jug breaks, it brings misfortune.

The Image: Water over wood: the image of THE WELL.

Thus, the superior man encourages the people at their work,

and exhorts them to help one another.

Waking Up (The Lake)

These are tenuous times. All around me is madness, dishonesty and violence. It is thick, dark, and so contagious that even the most steadfast hearts feel its tug. It is our destiny that we experience this darkness, so cosmic that at times a sense of helplessness overwhelms me and I feel myself dissolve into its magnificence. When the safety of Earth wobbles, we wobble with it. It is no coincidence that, gazing upon our future, we are challenged to find its light. This is how we wake up. There are no boons that will light up the night in bombastic sparkles. Lasting light will never come from gunpowder.

There are laws to life beyond the laws of men. There is the Law of Free Will and the Law of Attraction. From these two laws, the nature of Earth expresses itself. It has been called the wheel of Karma, cause and effect … but the principle is always the same: what is sown is reaped.

The light of the cosmos bends to Earth’s gravity. As it bends, a field of electro-magnetism is created. In this field, the elements of Earth spring into action—Nature, manifest. We as individuals are expressions of this union. It is the light of our being. Each of us is a Universe unto itself and also a part of the Universe inside everything else. From the outside, our light will reflect certain qualities. Every one of us has experienced lifetimes of words that conjure qualities and meanings that we have attached ourselves to. We may be called stupid, lazy, disingenuous, weak, courageous, powerful, beautiful, fat, thin, conniving, truthful, selfish, diplomatic, creative… The truth is, we will be described by others for eternity. That is the nature of polarity: we are defined by comparison. We are described by everything that surrounds us yet, in our deepest selves, we can struggle to find the words.

Waking up is like having words taken away. The qualities of someone or something become so paradoxical that attention on one aspect over another creates painful effects. We can go many lifetimes convinced that the pain we experience is because of some quality or another in something else. However, when we wake up, we become aware that our pain comes from within. How we describe the nature of our experience determines how we feel.

It is possible to appreciate all the textures of Now. Texture is the relationship between light and gravity and time is the carriage for their consummation. From the atom to the galaxy, gravity’s effect upon light is the karmic expression of electro-magnetism in its infinite combinations. Being incarnated is the privilege of time to experience these textures. As unique formations of complex bonds, our individual natures are constantly informing Universal Now. Accepting Now’s texture as a changeable truth allows us to truly experience our gifts.

At certain points on the electro-magnetic spectrum, we feel its resistance. Other times, its flow. Descriptions like “this politician is really bad” or “this movement is really good” or “this group is responsible” can snap us into states of polarity so strong that it can feel like everything is against us. When we seek to give meaning to our experiences by defining them as good or bad, we polarize ourselves.

Being polarized is the vibrational equivalent to the victim. When the victim aspect is energized, every action is made in the name of justice but nothing satisfies. The victim tries to heal by getting even. The victim cannot accept what has been done to it so it does things to try to undo it. This vicious cycle of loss, anger, and guilt breeds violence and oppression.

At all times, the balance of things is perfectly manifest. Without balance, growth could not exist and there would be no Now. Balance is a constant universal requirement. There are two ways that balance maintains itself: addition and subtraction. When we focus on the material aspect of our lives, we give definition to its vacancies and eventually it is the vacancy that defines us. Vacancy, when defined, becomes lack and inspires balance by addition. This is the seed of materialism. Vacancy left undefined is the Dao. The Dao maintains balance by relieving the causes of imbalance. Both of these states are balanced. The difference is the weight that sustains them. The more we put upon ourselves, the heavier our burden. The gravity of which brings our light to its knees.

All those things about us that we have been told are good illuminate in us all the ways that we are not. How quickly our attachment to goodness can lead to compulsions ensuring our connection to it. Those compulsions might express themselves as perfectionism, consumerism, control, vanity, anger, self-harm, sarcasm, humor, extreme extroversion, extreme introversion... When we stop trying to define our goodness, we stop defining our badness. This way, we unburden ourselves.

The gravity of Now has reached epic proportions. All of us hell-bent on upholding our own version goodness has produced in us a culture of separation. How heavy is our load? How many centuries will we fight for the sake of goodness? Is our burden not yet gross enough? When will it be so heavy that we finally lay it down? How long will it take for us to realize that everyone is after the same goodness? We fight for it as if it is only for a chosen few. Who are those few? How are they determined? Are they the ones that fit comfortably under a crown or in a suit and tie? The ones that are recognized by many? The ones that were born from those folk? The ones to whom riches are bestowed? Are they the good ones? Are they the ones we are fighting for? What about the ones born from those folk? Or the ones who inspire many? To whom does the value of goodness go? The victorious?

Proving our goodness by force is no different than the victim fighting to undo its violation. In order for goodness to be upheld, there must be badness to compare it to. Otherwise, the jig is up. As long as the enemy of goodness is elsewhere, then goodness must be here and therefor this is what goodness looks like. Our wars, our trespasses, are forgiven in the name of our goodness.

Seeking to uphold goodness is futile. The principle of seeking requires what is sought to be absent. If we seek goodness, our goodness must not exist. In seeking to justify our goodness we reject the law of balance and suffer our illusions of injustice. How many ways do we feel injustice? What has been taken from us that we are seeking? Our goodness? Who took our goodness? Before we were told we are something, did the things that we are not exist within us? How did we go from not knowing goodness to not being it? On the interpersonal level, we identify this dynamic as negging. This is how we lose our power. We spend our time trying to get back what we are unknowingly giving away: our goodness.

Waking up means realizing our power through self-awareness and self-acceptance. All of us are connected to a body, these bodies karmically express themselves as living memories cultivated over eons. All lives on earth express the basics: we are children, we feel hunger, we change, what does not benefit us falls away, oxygen will oxidize, nitrogen will fertilize, carbon will dis/integrate. We become a memory to the elements that make and sustain us, eternally imprinted in their substance. Everything that has come before us is contained within us and those elements, those memories, are constantly informing our Now. They express the qualities of who “you” and “I” are – a summation of eons of experience. Ancestral healing, breaking generational curses, self-love, pattern work... are all the process of accepting ourselves and the totality of our creation.

As our elements change state, their attraction and dispersion make an expression of light that animates and evolves life. It is the orgasm, the spark of connection, that is our light. We are the egg and the sperm and the ecstasy that unified the two. This is consciousness. What were you before you were the sperm? Who were you as the egg? How did you choose the other half that made you? How many memories have you created with the elements? When you call upon them, how do they come to you? When you imbibe them, how do they energize you? When you exhale them, what message do they relay? This is how the wheel of karma turns.

When we are told that we are bad, do we resist? Do we do our damndest to strip the teller of their goodness in hopes of restoring in them ideas of our own? What exactly is bad? A friend? A lover? Idleness? I have been told I am all of these things and I know that they are, in part, truths. When my badness is shown to me, it is excruciating. I have repeatedly abandoned the aspects of myself that create badness for the sake of goodness. In relationships, some of those for whom I abandoned myself deserted once I stopped, my badness revealed. Doesn’t that make them the bad one? Surely I am the good one.

For me to keep goodness, I have shunned badness. When I write the story of my goodness, I must work very hard to hide my badness. All of my energy is channeled into proving my goodness. I have to point my finger at others and tell how they are the bad ones. By denying my badness, I have built myself a prison of goodness.

What if there are no bad or good friends but only friends? What if all our relationships are intrinsically perfect in the totality of who we are to one another? What if our badness is as beneficial as our goodness? When we accept our badness, the union of our opposites is benevolent. We cannot control how someone else will define us but we can control whether and how we define ourselves.

How we define ourselves is how we will define others. When we make space in our lives for healing and a friend feels abandoned by that space, perhaps the space created is as beneficial for that friend as it is for us. When someone attacks our character, maybe that attack is what we need to inspire in us deeper levels of self-acceptance. Benevolence allows for what is to be beneficial. Sometimes feeling as if something has been taken away allows us to discover what we have.

Show me goodness

I’ll know badness.

Taking goodness,

makes badness my companion.

Reveal textures of being

I realize benevolence.

It is I who decide

what is fruit

what is rot.

The delicious truth is that I am bad. I have been a bad friend. No doubt I will be one again. Chances are, I am being one right now. I admit that I revel in idle days sitting in my chair by the window. I permit myself to do this often—it feels radical. I am critical, vain, controlling and have spent an extraordinary amount of time obsessing over myself, creating rituals of self-sacrifice in the name of goodness. I don’t always do the good thing but I have the tendency to expect others to and when they don’t, I have abandoned them. I absolutely have been and will be a monster at some point. But who’s to say that that moment of darkness is not perfect in the totality of things?

Each leaf on a tree has a different story about the tree. This helps to make the tree. There comes a time when the tree must conserve its energy and then the leaves start to change. One leaf blushes early in the cold and fading light. It changes colors and displays its nature. To the other leaves, the display might feel too truthful, too colorful, too bright, too soon. The tree knows the leaf is right on time—its swan song the note that signals the crescendo. How it changes is a sign of what’s to come. But who is responsible for the changing?

A drop of water in the lake

knows only the lake.

Two drops into the lake,

defined where ripples meet.

Clouds rain,

lake changes texture,

chatter of water erupts.

After rain,

lake.

Divining Truth

“Balance every thought with its opposition. Because the marriage of them is the destruction of illusion.”

— Aleister Crowley

A while ago I was listening to a book on Audible, Jesus And The Essenes by Dolores Cannon. In this book, through a series of hypnosis sessions conducted by the author, Cannon communicates with a man named Sadhi who grew up in the Essene community during the time of Jesus. Sadhi speaks about his life in the Essene community, his education and his work. He is a teacher and student of “The Law” and we learn through his story that the young Yeshua ben Joseph is one of his students.

This book is packed with mind expanding information that will give insight and depth to many of the stories we regard as “myth” today. My biggest takeaway from the book, however, was how Sadhi responds to some of the questions posed to him by Cannon, “I know not, but I have heard...”, he says. From this simple shift in response, Sadhi’s words have taught me to clear my mind of false beliefs and patterns.

When we receive information, it informs us within the spectrum of our awareness. So, when teachings come to us, they meet us where we are and they will either expand or contract our consciousness accordingly. Additionally, information that is beyond our perception will remain veiled until we are able to perceive it. The reason “I know not, but I have heard...” is so powerful is because it can instantly expand our awareness if we apply it to what we think we know.

For me, this application has become a delightful game. What do I really know? What have I heard? What is the difference? Let’s start with one of my favorites: What is the sun? I have heard that the sun is a big ball of gas that is a bajillion degrees but I have not been to the sun so I know not what the sun is. Now people say that the sun is cold and electric. Others say that it is our direct connection to the 8th dimension. I know not what the sun is, but I have heard all of these things and each of their “truths” causes me to stretch a fundamental belief about my universe in order to contain those potentials.

The more we apply this to the things we “know”, the more we will come to realize how much we believe and how little we actually know. For many of us, not knowing the “truth” is terrifying. Since we were only a few years old, we have been moulded and conditioned by a cultural system that has disciplined and shamed us for not knowing. Under the threat of falling behind from a group of our peers, failing, or even being ostracized from the community, we have been made to remember and repeat as truth that which we have heard. We have parents, grand parents, great-grand parents… generations upon generations of ancestors that have experienced something similar, or worse.

In cases like this, not knowing can feel like a matter of life and death. So what happens when this trauma is carried over into adulthood? On the surface we can see these traumas manifest in the way we relate to others, how we receive new information, our desire to learn, our willingness to explore, our ability to express ourselves and be creative… These are patterns that we have evolved to rely on for survival. On a fundamental level, this makes us victims. This is certainly an important level of awareness for us to achieve. However, if we stop here, we can stymie our expansion by indulging the in sensations of victimhood. In which case, the solution to our problems will remain the same as the “truths” we have been repeating.

In order to escape the cycle of victimhood, we have to question what we know. So let’s explore that… I can only speak from my own experiences, and so I will illustrate for you a simple outline of the things I came to “know” as a child within the system:

• America is the land of freedom.

• Humans have been around for only thousands of years and we are the most evolved we have ever been.

• We have evolved from “monkeys”.

• The stories from our ancestors and world religions are rubbish and should not be regarded as a source of intellectual truth.

• Intrinsic value is not a requirement for our currency.

• War is the solution to suffering.

• Earth is explained by Newtonian laws.

• Evolution follows the laws of Darwin.

• We only get one chance at life.

• We are alone in the Universe.

I could write an essay on the fallacies each one of these statements, and maybe I will someday, but for now, I hope that some of you out there will resonate with them as they are presented here. If you don’t, consider yourself lucky.

I was raised in a non-religious household and went to public school for most of my childhood, save for two years (“4th and 5th grade”) when I was homeschooled. During those two years, most of the children that I engaged with came from very religious households and were homeschooled as well. My family is Catholic in ancestry and several people in my family have lived very spiritual lives as priests or healers. From my perspective, what our system does is teach us to doubt. We doubt the information that we’ve been told is rubbish, we doubt our potential when we’re told who we are, we doubt our community when we’re told of natural enemies, we doubt our value when it isn’t rewarded, we doubt our experiences when they aren’t physical, we doubt our spirit when we’re told it doesn’t exist, we doubt ourselves when we’re told we are wrong. These are the truths that have been passed down to us by pen and by sword. This is what we have heard so many times that, under the pain of “death”, we have come to believe as truth. This is not truth. This is dogma.

When spiritualists talk about “healing” or “ancestor healing”, etc., this is the work they speak of. If we do not do the work to uncover what we truly believe, we will bypass one of the most important and valuable things we can do as human beings – consciously differentiate truths. Each and every one of us is always in a state of differentiation, that is the nature of 3D. How we choose to define our world is wholly up to us. So when we question the things we think we know about who we are, where we come from and how we evolve, we open ourselves up to different definitions of ourselves.

At this point in time, how we define who we are has reached a new level of abstraction. In fact, it is reaching a new dimension and with that comes the opportunity for us to realize great things. We live in a world of highly advanced virtual reality machines in which all of us, to varying degrees, are partaking.

We have created avatars of ourselves in a dimension that we cannot touch but we still get to consciously partake in with complete and total control. So where does that eventually take us? At the moment, virtual reality machines are attempting to recreate realities of ultimate realness. What this suggests is that we are becoming highly advanced creators and it is only a matter of time before we step into a totally new frontier. One that we will not be ready for if we don’t understand a few things about this reality first.

We can learn from virtual reality and cultivate a deeper understanding of our current one by applying the ideals of virtual reality to our own. Virtual reality machines serve to provide our consciousnesses with an experience that is as real as possible. The only difference is that in VR, we get to have the awareness that we have chosen this virtual experience. Because of this, things don’t really hurt when they “happen” and we can do whatever we want, but also the wine doesn’t get you drunk and the food doesn’t taste like much… Life and death are nothing more than the pressing of a power button: none of it really matters because we know it isn’t actually real.

So what is left between realities but awareness and sensation? To gain in one is to lose in the other. As humanity pushes the limits of this polarity, we as individuals have the opportunity to leap ahead consciously into a state of unity between these realities. Awareness and sensation are the two extremes of bliss which seems to be the fundamental motive for creating a virtual reality. It is also one of the fundamental motives of spiritual seekers. The balance of awareness and sensation is what creates the state of bliss in a human. We do not need machines for this. What we need is consciousness and understanding.

For some of us bliss might be defined as being free of pain and illness, for others it might be experiencing love or aligning their work and passion. For many of us, it’s all of these.

Yet even in a video game one has to do things to attain things. That is the nature of things. At the beginning you get to choose simple things like whether you want to be a wizard or a troll… maybe you shoot arrows, maybe you prefer a wand… Whatever. The rest is a combination of unknown events and challenges that bring you to the ultimate version of the avatar you created. The more you play it, the better you become. Is this not the nature of life? There is a story happening and the less you know, the better it is. There is a part of us that plays life and there is another part that suffers it but the experience of each can be bliss. Remember how you felt watching a movie as a child? How do you feel about watching movies now? This same principle can be applied to our life stories.

So what does this have to do with conscious differentiation and how do we apply it to our lives? When we are consciously differentiating, we are using our wisdom to measure experiences and events. We look at what we’ve learned and ask ourselves what we know. The application of this practice strengthens and expands our awareness which can heal the sensations of suffering in our story.

When we expand our awareness, we become a container for more knowledge. We are able hear more things, and know the wisdom in the transmissions. There is always wisdom in the transmissions, our job is to divine it.

When I started digging into the fundamental beliefs I have learned from the system, I realized that I had unknowingly committed the first 21 years of my consciousness to learning a very narrow set of teachings. From those teachings I had adopted many deep patterns that defined the way I engaged with my world: competition, doubt, arrogance, self-centeredness, and entitlement – to name a few. For example, I believed that if I did the things I was told to do that I should succeed. I believed that we are alone in the universe and so I saw myself as an individual on Earth. I believed in the danger of being wrong and so I fought to be right.

When we start digging into our deepest beliefs, it can stir up a lot of overwhelming feelings and we need to know how to process them in a healthy way. When we go through a shedding of beliefs, our brain needs to have something to replace the old programs. This is when we must access our heart and listen to its guidance. As we open ourselves up to new ideas and rekindle our desire to learn and explore, new information will come to us. This information will find us because we seek it and it will confirm our understanding in synchronicities. To become truly adept at this, practice taking on different beliefs and observe how those beliefs change the way you experience life. If there is improvement, then the belief is beneficial – for now.

For me, when I started believing in reincarnation, I understood my function as both a spiritual and organic being. I am made of the same elements as the planet herself and my identity can be expanded to include a feeling of love and commitment to a future beyond my comprehension. My consciousness was expanded again when I opened up to the possibility of Extra-Terrestrials. I became aware of my responsibility as a representative of Earth. To my knowledge, I have not witnessed in my waking life an official ET experience, however I have heard many things. I have sought to inform myself of quantum mechanics, ancient wisdom cultures, contemporary science, magic, metaphysics, electric universe theory, and many alternative perspectives on new data. What I have learned has expanded my consciousness and made me a better human being. The benefits of critically examining what I know and replacing toxic beliefs with new, expansive ones are a confirmation of their power.

Beliefs make us and they change us. When we work to expand our awareness, our consciousness is better able to differentiate between things and that makes space within us to support spiritual growth. When we give ourselves permission to question our own beliefs, we allow ourselves the freedom to realize how we are creating our experiences by how we define them. This is what awareness does – it gives us sovereignty within the game.

At this time, we are faced with a fundamental decision: evolve or expire. Do we move forward into a new age of reality with a narrative that supports killing and oppressing our own species as a solution to suffering? Do we do the work to heal ourselves of the systemic traumas to our consciousness that have normalized violence and killing? Do we move forward believing that the current state of the human species is at it’s highest evolution or do we open ourselves to a greater potential?

This inner exploration of truth is also being played out externally in the form of “fake news”. Our reality is filled with stories, most of which are designed to polarize us. It is nearly impossible to believe anything that is said anymore and trustworthy sources feel like a myth from long ago. We are all being confronted with the fragility of “truth” and it is calling us to go inside and differentiate it for ourselves. We can divine truth because truth is divine.

This is what it means to heal. When we choose to live in spirit, it means that we choose to live in the space between awareness and sensation and divine our utmost truth. This is the solution to the problems that overwhelm us. If we resolve those problems in ourselves, we resolve them in our world. When we heal ourselves of the need to be right, then humility becomes a source of power. If we resist the presence of ignorance, arrogance becomes a weakness which we end up violently defending. How we use our power and learn from our mistakes is a measure of our grace as a species. No matter what we do, how we are called to express our power, we have the ability to consciously define our experiences and learn from them. It all depends on who we believe ourselves to be… and that is up to you.

Mirror Mirror

“Love is the law. Love under will.” - Alastair Crowley

What is it like to be an artist, you ask? What is it like to be me? I think the better question is, what is it like to be yourself. At 7 years old my family moved from Cincinnati to a farm in rural Kentucky. Two years later my brother and I went from public school to homeschool. A year later I was in a car accident in which I lost two of my front permanent teeth. Shortly after that, my parents divorced. Then the following year, we went to a new public school. I was in 6th grade. My grade consisted of 32 children and the K-12 school was small enough to be housed in a single building in the smallest county in Kentucky. Not long after starting school, bullying began.

I’ve always been different. I’ve always thought differently and responded passively and that has often led to experiences of confusion, anger and aggression from the outside. Whether it came from teachers or students, friends or their parents, I seemed to trigger certain folks in extreme ways.

I have learned a lot from these folks. I have learned to be centered when things around me seem insane. I’ve learned about projection. I’ve learned about empathy. I’ve learned about forgiveness. I’ve learned that the extreme states of others are not my fault or my responsibility. I am only responsible for me.

Friends have always come and gone. Whether it is from moving across states, changing schools, parents moving away, or shifting mindsets, my experience of relationships has been deeply transient. Fundamentally, this has shaped the way I relate to others. At first the sense of detachment I experience caused me much suffering. I felt I could not connect in the loving way I wanted to. I felt that my desire to love others and my feelings of detachment were not compatible. I was afraid that the ending of a relationship was the ending of love. What I have learned is that love and relationships are not exclusive.

In relationships, there are two boundaries: there is the boundary we have with ourselves and the boundary we have with others. What I have learned is that understanding the boundary I have with myself allows me to clearly see boundaries with others. The spirit within me desires to love and unify with everyone. However, the being that my spirit resides in has its own desires. Primarily, it desires to feel safe and supported.

We can spend a lot of energy in our lives seeking the feeling of safety and support from others. But this is temporary. In truth, we can only provide this for ourselves. This begins with becoming conscious of our needs and desires and then showing up for ourselves unconditionally in order to provide them. I show up for myself and provide this safety and support to by choosing to be very selective about the things I allow in: The music I listen to, the stories I read, the topics I invest my consciousness in, the people I surround myself with… All of these choices define how I spiritually support my being.

One of the things about being an artist is that one cannot separate the artist from the being. Art is simply the creative language of self expression. Being an artist means being willing to express yourself creatively. Feelings of safety and support are essential to healthy creation. If an artist cannot find this within themselves, they will constantly feel defined by how they are received. This is what it is like to be an artist – it is reaching into yourself to be honest enough to share your truth, strong enough to support it, and soft enough to receive the truths of others.

There is this tendency for us to link the choice to live spiritually with the willingness to sacrifice ourselves. This is a misunderstanding that has plagued us for far too long. When we speak of sacrifice from a spiritual perspective, it is the practice of the seeker to sacrifice the idea of themselves and surrender to the service of becoming who they are. We become who we are as we discover and establish our boundaries and how we respond to others.

Our spirits have incarnated into a world of cause and effect. Karma is simply effect. So when someone gets really annoyed by what I share and wants to throw a pebble in my eye; karmically, I am experiencing the effect of sharing who I am with others. Yes, it is true, I really do see this world as a reflection of myself. That is the point of approaching life from a spiritual perspective. To choose to not use the world as an opportunity to reflect on one’s self is a huge missed opportunity. This is how we gain self knowledge and growth. It is sad that so many folks miss out on valuable opportunities for growth believing that they are being self-less.

Ironically, not allowing the world to be a reflection of yourself is extremely self-absorbed. This suggests that the world owes us something and that we are apart from it. That the expressions and boundaries of others are in opposition to us. As if we are so important that another soul would live out their blessings as form of revenge against us.

This state of mind is what leads folks to extremes. It generates suspicious thinking, negativity, self-centeredness, and violent fantasies. So a person desiring to throw stones and blame others is actually experiencing their own reflection, whether they are aware of it or not. When a living thing responds in violence, be it physical, verbal, or mental, they are actually conjuring the persona that they are projecting on to others.

Becoming aware of these negative patterns in ourselves enables us to make different choices, respond differently to our experiences, and establish trust with ourselves that we will act in alignment with our needs and boundaries.

So what does that mean in a situation? For me, it means giving attention to energies that I consider healthy and beneficial. Violence in any form is wholly unacceptable. But what does one do when they are presented with a violent approach from outside? Acknowledge it and then transform it. Does it sting to know that people have feelings of violence towards me? It can. But it also makes me grateful to know that the folks who use their creative forces to conjure fantasies of suffering in others have been successfully removed from my life and are now relegated to the internet dumping-ground.

What does it say about those who choose to annoy themselves and indulge in violent fantasies by following what I share? I mean, seriously. It’s like choosing to go to a movie you hate just to hate the people who made the movie. If what you are doing inspires negativity in your heart, you’re doing the wrong thing. It’s really quite simple. The one who curses others curses himself. The one who wishes for another’s suffering prays for a suffering of their own creation. He who puts his force into negativity reaps negativity. When another’s negativity gets projected upon us, it only becomes ours if we allow ourselves to take in and then reflect that negativity back out again – then it is ours and we must own it.

Choosing to live a spiritual life does not mean having to subject one’s self or attention to those who cannot understand or respect boundaries. It is not the job of a person choosing to live spiritually to tell others what their behavior is or is not. The job is to teach by example. The spiritual life is being the example. In being the example, you become the effect. That is it.

Violence is systemic and its temptation reaches deep into Earth’s psyche. Yet unlike other animals, humans have a more focused ability to choose their nature. It is not our fault that we are born into a culture of violence, but it is our responsibility to change the pattern and evolve it. That is what we are all here to do: evolve.

In order to evolve, we are given a point of perspective through which the nature of who we are is revealed to us in 3D. We get to have a sun and a moon and soil and fruit and brothers and sisters… these angels come before us to help us see ourselves and evolve our nature. Without them, we could never truly know ourselves or our nature. We would only be an idea of who we are. So we must act it out and in so doing, choose our nature.

Caroline Myss says it beautifully, “Imagine, before you incarnated, you were speaking with your committee of angels and they said to you, ‘In this lifetime you will learn to master the knife. You will experience joy and hardship and you may become a chef or maybe a killer. Either way, you will learn to master the knife.’”

So, to those it may concern - I’m sorry if in mastering my art, my nature brought suffering. Forgive me for the pain I have caused because of the nature of my limited awareness. Thank you for feeding me your truth. I love you regardless.

- OKH

The Power Of Choice

It’s been two years since I wrote my last entry here. This is what was happening:

Pink Bull 2018 Olivia Kathryn Hinds Acrylic on Canvas 48”x36”

It’s hard to say where the story begins. Losing my job? My uncle passing away too soon? Reading a life changing book? My first yoga class? None of these and all of these are true. In a sense, it started the day I decided to be an artist. But what day was that? Three years ago I decided. At six years old, I had also decided. I decided when I went to college too. So, I can not tell you when it truly began. The truth is, I have committed to being an artist repeatedly throughout my life, and at every stage the commitment has always felt the same even though every time its face has changed.

I suppose you could say that that face is mine; the one I can never truly see. Two years ago, I did not recognize her at all. She was completely exhausted and her heart continuously sought comfort in bitter convictions. It is so easy for us to fall under the spell of our experiences. All of us have a lifetime of them and the truth is, it is hard to admit that we have absolutely no control over them. The list of things I felt I had to control was literally out of control. I was petrified of gaining weight from having a sedentary job so I cut out all carbs. I also had terrible digestive problems that “forced” me to eliminate all sorts of fruits and vegetables from my diet. My stomach would be in crippling pain every day if I didn’t follow these rules. My mind would be in crippling fear if I didn’t obey it’s fat-prevention rules. My body was getting sick from fatigue and abuse. I was in such a state of anxiety and malnutrition that my heart became arhythmic. Emotionally, I was constantly prepared for disappointment. Just remembering how I used to be creates a familiar tightness behind my eyes and around my heart.

The crazy thing is, I loved my life. I was making money and I got to be creative at work. If you’ve ever worked freelance, then you are aware of that awful sinking feeling that lingers inside no matter how good the work is. The job was open ended as long as there was work – of which there was plenty. Too much really, but still I was tormented by the idea that work might dry up any day and I would be fucked and it would be all on me because I was freelance – because that’s the deal. What I came to understand was that employment, or rather security of any kind, is an illusion.

That was the moment I lost faith in something I didn’t know I believed in. It might seem trivial to some of you, but I had believed that being employed by a business would provide me with the security I needed to be who I am: an Artist. I believed that I needed to be supported by a culture that does not value who I am in order for me to be who I am. Basically, I was killing myself to be myself. It took heaps of faith and a list of noteworthy life events just challenging enough to get me to the point of breakdown necessary for the spell to be broken. We all have that point: the one where either there has to be more to life or you’re outta here. Either you fix your shit or continue to suffer the same fate.

This way of being had made me somebody I am not. Yet the person I’d become was still definitely me. So who am I? This body I inhabit is named Olivia. Yet when I lose parts of this body; I am still me. In fact, you could say that the times when I have lost parts of this body, I have discovered more of myself. I am the things I do and don’t do. I am everything I like, and everything I dislike. I am my voice. I am also my silence. I am none of these things. I alone choose what I do with myself every day and why I do those things determines my reality. With this insight, I slowly began the radical process of consciously choosing myself.

Believe me, dear reader, the process of choosing one’s self is no selfish task. It requires honesty, commitment, and an alignment with truth that is so intrinsic to your own heart that it will make you question who you are. This is who you are. This is the path of goodness. This is grace.

My journey back to myself started the day I woke up to my illusions about security. Even though I didn’t know it then, the world of magic had opened up to me. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what you think. In fact, the journey back to our true self is one of the heart. One where we have to feel our way home. We’ve been trying to think our way home this whole time. How’s that working for us? You know that feeling you have right now? The one where you feel a little triggered because I used the word “magic”. Maybe you feel uneasy because all this shit I am saying sounds a lot like someone who has been saved. Maybe you feel a tightness around you heart because you’ve stopped believing in the thing that the word “magic” represents. So it feels painful but maybe that pain actually looks a lot like anger. Maybe judgement. Or perhaps it feels like superiority because you certainly know better.

Guess what, those negative feelings are creating a negative experience for you right now. That experience is the result of a belief system that you probably don’t realize you are choosing to operate by. It is important to know that you have the freedom to select the belief systems that are most beneficial for you, even if folks try to make it seem otherwise. This is a planet of free will.

So let’s just choose to be openminded for a moment. Trust me, if you don’t like how the world of magic feels, you can always go back to your regularly scheduled programming. Comfort comes in all sizes… just try the shoe on. You don’t have to buy it. Think about it this way: if our beliefs create the illusion of our experience, then who is the magician responsible for the illusion? We are the magicians. Magic is what we make of what manifests.

Unfortunately, most people’s relationship with the idea of magic is one of impossibility and foolishness. Traits we associate with that child version of ourselves that quietly disappeared while we were slogged along in a system that swaps out our creative will-power for fear. Fear of being wrong, failing, being held back from a group of our peers, feeling powerless.… So, it is understandable that what immediately comes up for us is a sickeningly thick layer of crappy feelings trying their damndest to protect us from these experiences. We have all experienced the pain of being wrong. What happens when we are wrong twice? Shame on us. The western world is ripe with this indoctrinated mindset. It is so evident that many consider themselves survivors of it, even those still enchanted.

Every step along my journey has started with the thought, “I can always come back to where I am now.” I still find solace in those words even though at this point, where I was when I made this my mantra is no longer a place I feel I can return. That’s the irony of learning; we can’t actually ever return. Ignorance is bliss because bliss knows nothing. Ignorance can not tell the difference between things and so it can not know that it suffers, and so it survives. We’re gonna suffer whether we know it or not, and we’re gonna learn things whether we like it or not, and the mind is gonna choose things whether we’re aware of it or not, so why not choose awareness and start creating a different reality for yourself? This is the essence of magic.

Let’s talk a little bit about what magic is. Ironically, it is everything you are already doing. Except when you walk in the world of magic, you do so with intention. So, if you want to increase your power to change your reality, you have to increase your own awareness. All of your thoughts, feelings, words and behaviors must be in alignment with who you are. If you’re an artist and you spend your time acting as a graphic designer… you’re going to have a much harder time being an artist. Same goes if you desire love but won’t give love freely.

As a “magician,” you are choosing to function as a conscious spiritual force in the material world. Therefore, your primary “wand” is your body. So, in order to open the door to the world of magic, you must first come into alignment with your body by establishing trust with yourself. This means that your words reflect your inner truth and your actions reflect your words. Without this primary alignment, it is impossible for us to build our power. If we don’t honor who we are, we close ourselves off from our primary source of energy – our spirit.

How do we honor who we are? We show up for ourself because we love ourself. How do we do that? We meet our own needs. How do we meet our needs? By accepting who we are and providing for ourselves accordingly. At the beginning it is going to be hard to build trust with yourself because that character who you’ve become, the one that really isn’t you, is going to put you through one serious mind fuck. So be ready to challenge yourself to source some deep states of trust with yourself as you begin to break away from all of your rituals and examine why you do the things you do. That “why” is the seed of your magic; it is how the elements of life mix to create your universe.

What it means to me to be artist and/or magician is to commit to my heart’s calling. To seek to know my heart so intimately that I create a universe of grace within myself. Why do I create? To know my self. How do I know myself? By what I create. How do I create? By what I do. This is what we call the act of ritual. We are all in ritual in every moment of every day whether we realize it or not. Even the stars, moon, and planets are in ritual. So while you’re living a life riddled with the side effects common to the rituals of late-stage materialism, know that there are other ways to live. One way being a life of magic.

It is from the perspective of magic, spirit or whatever you’d like to call the mystery that animates matter, that I will share my view on things. I feel it is important to bring a fresh perspective to a tired collective. These topics will be wildly various, highly important, mind-opening and likely to some, ridiculous. I once found some of these topics ridiculous myself. One of my favorite buddhist proverbs goes, “The foot feels the foot when the foot feels the earth.” We can only know ourselves through experiencing everything else. So keep this in mind and be open to the benefits of radically shifting your perspective and the magic that doing so will bring to your life. There is a whole other world right in front of you and it’s only a thought away.

Thanks for reading, friends. Writing is a new and vulnerable venture for me, so, if you appreciate my perspective, drop me a line! Ask me a question! Let’s discuss! I want to share and no topic is off limits. Let’s open up the cosmos together.

Peace to you, my friend.

- Olivia

thanks + giving

“Color is the place where our brain meets the universe.”

— Paul Cézanne

In spring of last year I decided to take a chance on myself and totally invest in becoming a full time self employed artist. My biggest job this year was not making art, it was learning to strengthen my faith in myself. I have spent this year learning how to have faith in myself and be in the moment feeling overwhelmingly grateful that I get to dedicate my energy to the creativity and art work that gives me life. I get to do work that makes me think and reflect and share my mind, heart and soul.

I used to be one of those people that got sick all of the time. I was so hard on myself. I tried to fit the mold of what success was *supposed* look like all the while doing my damnedest to protect my rebel spirit from conformity. I burned myself out repeatedly.

Finally, I made the choice to believe that I have the ability to give myself the chance I was looking for. Since I made that choice, I have not gotten sick once. My feelings of doubt and insecurity no longer oppress me. They still exist, but, I can live with them productively. I've found a sense of balance that I did not know existed.

What have I learned? Success is a state of mind. It doesn't come from the things we amass, or the recognition from others. Success comes from being in the moment long enough to realize the many ways you're already living your dream.

Growth comes from your ability to challenge the limitations of your own perspective. Change happens when those limitations reveal themselves as habits. Those habits are part of the narrative we tell ourselves. If you change your narrative, you change your habits. If you change your habits, you free yourself from limitations.

Dream big, friends, and stay grateful for the dream you're already living. Your narrative is a creative process, express the things you want to see.

The images below are a gallery of artworks marked down for my HOLIDAY SALE.

mind + matter

“I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 A.M. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends.”

— Joan Didion

"Disguise/Discern" 2008 colored pencil on black paper

As I sit here in my sunroom on a cold November morning, I am overcome by the magnificent complexity of the plants that surround me. Just a year ago I had only a few small succulents and some struggling basil. I felt like I was just not gifted with a green thumb and I was afraid to try to grow anything else because the idea of killing a living thing made me feel like I was selfish for even trying. This summer I expressed this feeling to my mom, who is an incredible organic farmer. She explained that a plant dying is part of learning how to become a better gardener and encouraged me to embrace the reality that failure is part of improving.

By the end of the summer, my mom had successfully helped turn my barren sun room into a thriving jungle. She started me off with some geraniums, a hearty plant. They would put up with a little inattention, but wouldn’t survive the kind of neglect that succulents are so fond of… and that I was so good at. It was the perfect starter plant, I learned how to watch them, learn their language, and understand how to care for them. I didn’t kill a single one.

This summer was a practice of patience and care. I had a lot of free time this summer: a scary reality when you’re self-employed. However, I had time to care for my plants, read, reflect, and be alone. In doing that, I challenged myself to learn to be peaceful within myself and bring peace into my world even when my world seemed like it is falling apart because work was uncertain and sparse. I taught myself to remain calm and focused in the face of some serious fear of failure. It was mind over matter.

Slowly, I began to learn the power of my consciousness over my experience. I realized that love, openness, and trust are the foundation upon which one builds a strong relationship with themselves and their world. By reconnecting with myself in this way, I also felt more deeply connected to Mother Nature and my own sense of purpose. I felt myself evolving in my own self-knowing. By remembering who I have been, I have been reminded of the power I have over who I can become.

I find myself full circle as I look back on my thesis collection: ten years older and yet closer to the girl I remember than the person I was a year ago. Back then I was enamoured with Mother Earth and her endlessly exquisite metaphors and forms. In 2008, when I was working on my BFA thesis, I was exploring this theme through still life drawings, and watercolor collages. I was looking for an ephemeral technique that captured the ecstasy in the flash meeting between the self and the Mother.

Today, I am still in love with her. She enchants me in my sun room, keeps me company in my studio, and is there every time I step. I have presented here, my BFA thesis, Gestalt. Take a look at how the theme of my relationship to mother earth began and then check out my current body of work to see how this same theme is expressed today. Leave me a note, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

xo

P.S. If you'd like to learn more about my mom's farm, you can check out her website here.

tangerine dreams

Recently I finished a painting of an oyster (pictured below). Commissioned by my good friends Thor and Megan, the oversized opalescent painting was by far one of the best paintings I've had the pleasure of creating. I hadn't painted seriously with oil paint maybe ever. It was the medium I used in college but I was inexperienced then and did not have the time or patience to really appreciate the silky forgiveness of the medium. But now that I am a self employed artist, I have the time and dedication to my practice to truly appreciate the medium. One of the things about painting in oil, is, you have A LOT of time to wait. So, working on several paintings at a time is necessary.

Which brings me to the point of the photo above! I created this gorgeous tangerine still life for another painting! I'm swooning over these juicy pop colors, they've got a sexy vibration. The Feminine is a constant theme in my work. A few years ago, when I painted my short series "Vessels", I really began to fall in love with the deeply appealing nature of yonic imagery. Since then, I have explored this theme repeatedly in my work. With the oyster, and now the tangerine, you can see this theme appear again.

Thor's Oyster 2017

In Salvador Dali's book "Fifty Secrets of Magical Craftsmanship", SD insists that it is painting in oil that creates a masterpiece, for, the oil gives the pigment life. In a sense, he is right. After working in acrylic and other water mediums for the last decade, going back to oil was like going on vacation. Everything is richer. You spend time with each color and curve, the details are celebrated and elusive, and you can really indulge your perfectionist side. The result is a rich luster that lasts for centuries. For Dali, it is the oil paint that makes the artist immortal.

Thus, I've taken up the practice of painting in oil again. I am challenged and excited to see how the graphic and pop elements of my acrylic style will translate into oil. I have a lot of learning ahead of me... I have no idea how some of the techniques I use with acrylic will work with oil. For example, in my current series of paintings, I use many layers of hand drawn stencils to create sharp graphic figures. I have no idea if the contact paper I use to create my stencils will work on oil! If you have any advice or knowledge about this, leave a comment below and spread the knowledge and craft 

xo

Follow me on instagram to watch my creative process

the fall & tulips

I'm one of those artist types who can work on an idea for months. First the muse reveals herself, like a church bell in the distance or glitter under streetlight: she catches you and ignites. Then for weeks I'll get lost in her message, waiting for the rest of it to arrive.

When a new idea comes, it is like following a path of flashes in darkness. This is why I sketch. These flashes of inspiration are lost as quickly as they reveal themselves, if I don't sketch, I likely wont remember it all. 

So, this is my sketchbook. I start with actual quick sketches on paper and then I work in Photoshop to realize the composition and color palette by using collage techniques over top of my sketch. I really love adding a different dimension to the personality and complexity of each painting. These collages are like the chatter of ideas before the message is clear, once it is clear, it is a painting.

Check back to see updates on the painting temporarily titled "Jerusalem Tulip" and leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts! I love hearing what people see in the artwork.

xo